Coronablog 2 commenced on 25th May 2020
From Howard Goslyn (This is the tighest loop you'll ever see F35)
Hercules (We were never allowed to attempt this in the old C130 Mk1's, there was probably not enough power)
Irish traffic lights
From Paul Rogerson (watch this one right to the end)
From Colin Kelcey
From Howard Goslyn (Eat your heart out Michael Flatley)
(Breakfast at Gingers)
From Colin Kelcey
Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin
Sustainability and Transformation Partnership
Press release: 22 May 2020
Coronavirus testing in Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin: what you
need to know
Who can get tested?
Testing for coronavirus (Covid-19) has been expanded to everyone over the age of five with symptoms. People can ask for a test if they, or a member of their household, have the recent onset of any of the following symptoms:
Members of the public (who are not essential workers) who have symptoms of coronavirus should use the national booking system by visiting
www.nhs.uk/coronavirus. Those who do not have any access to the internet, or who have difficulty with the digital portals, are able to ring a new 119 service to book their test.
People experiencing any of the above symptoms and their household members should self-isolate immediately. If you need medical advice about your symptoms use NHS 111 online or call NHS 111.
Testing for essential workers
Essential Workers, and members of their household, who have symptoms can use the dedicated local arrangement (by speaking to their employer) or should register fora test through the Self-Referral and Employer Portals on gov.uk. Care Homes in England can continue to register for delivery of tests for all their staff and residents, whether or not they have symptoms: qov.uk/apply-coronavirus-test-care-home.
How to get tested in Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin
Testing can either be done at home by applying for a home testing kit or by registering for an appointment at a drive-through testing centre. Testing is provided at drive-through testing centres, currently by appointment only, and the correct booking procedures must be followed in order to avoid being turned away.
In Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin this may be at a Mobile Testing Unit based in a temporary location in Shropshire, or further afield, at a regionally based drive-through testing centre. The test itself involves taking a swab of the inside of the nose and the back of the throat, using a long cotton bud. This can be done by the person themselves or by someone else. Results of the test and subsequent advice will be provided.
Victoria Rankin, Executive Lead for People for Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin Sustainability and Transformation Partnership, said: “If you have symptoms of coronavirus you should book a test as soon as you can, ideally in the first three days. “Testing will help keep NHS and other public services running smoothly, allow people to return to work as quickly as possible and help keep those who are vulnerable safe. “The Mobile Testing Units based in temporary locations in the county have increased our testing capabilities, so we hope they will be well-used by those that need them.”
Sustainability and Transformation Partnership
Press release: 22 May 2020
Coronavirus testing in Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin: what you
need to know
Who can get tested?
Testing for coronavirus (Covid-19) has been expanded to everyone over the age of five with symptoms. People can ask for a test if they, or a member of their household, have the recent onset of any of the following symptoms:
- a new continuous cough a high temperature
- a loss of, or change in, your normal sense of smell or taste (anosmia)
Members of the public (who are not essential workers) who have symptoms of coronavirus should use the national booking system by visiting
www.nhs.uk/coronavirus. Those who do not have any access to the internet, or who have difficulty with the digital portals, are able to ring a new 119 service to book their test.
People experiencing any of the above symptoms and their household members should self-isolate immediately. If you need medical advice about your symptoms use NHS 111 online or call NHS 111.
Testing for essential workers
Essential Workers, and members of their household, who have symptoms can use the dedicated local arrangement (by speaking to their employer) or should register fora test through the Self-Referral and Employer Portals on gov.uk. Care Homes in England can continue to register for delivery of tests for all their staff and residents, whether or not they have symptoms: qov.uk/apply-coronavirus-test-care-home.
How to get tested in Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin
Testing can either be done at home by applying for a home testing kit or by registering for an appointment at a drive-through testing centre. Testing is provided at drive-through testing centres, currently by appointment only, and the correct booking procedures must be followed in order to avoid being turned away.
In Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin this may be at a Mobile Testing Unit based in a temporary location in Shropshire, or further afield, at a regionally based drive-through testing centre. The test itself involves taking a swab of the inside of the nose and the back of the throat, using a long cotton bud. This can be done by the person themselves or by someone else. Results of the test and subsequent advice will be provided.
Victoria Rankin, Executive Lead for People for Shropshire, Telford & Wrekin Sustainability and Transformation Partnership, said: “If you have symptoms of coronavirus you should book a test as soon as you can, ideally in the first three days. “Testing will help keep NHS and other public services running smoothly, allow people to return to work as quickly as possible and help keep those who are vulnerable safe. “The Mobile Testing Units based in temporary locations in the county have increased our testing capabilities, so we hope they will be well-used by those that need them.”
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee
An amazing 2 letter English word.
A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition.
UP
Read until the end .
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v]
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Don't screw UP. This has been sent on to everyone so look it UP . . or not . . . it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!
An amazing 2 letter English word.
A reminder that one word in the English language that can be a noun, verb, adjective, adverb, and preposition.
UP
Read until the end .
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is 'UP.' It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv.], [prep.], [adj.], [n] or [v]
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, the earth soaks it UP. When it does not rain for a while, things dry UP. One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now . . . my time is UP!
Oh . . . one more thing: What is the first thing you do in the morning and the last thing you do at night?
U
P !
Don't screw UP. This has been sent on to everyone so look it UP . . or not . . . it's UP to you.
Now I'll shut UP!
From Colin Kelcey
From Paul Rogerson
No words needed
From Clayton Lee
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with Seniors ... we can outwit you.
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent... but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account.
Don't be difficult with Seniors ... we can outwit you.
From Howard Goslyn
From Paul Rogerson
Choose your next tee shirt logo
From Martin Thomas
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee This incredible artist, Nikolaj Arndt, “chalks” drawings on a flat surface in such a manner so as to give them three dimensions! He was born in a remote area of Russia in 1975, attended art school, moved to Germany in 2006, and since 2009 participates in street art festivals around the world, applying his special technique of 3D art.
From Colin Kelcey ( Jungle Gym)
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson
From Colin Kelcey
From Howard Goslyn (C130 beach landing. Who needs a runway?)
From Paul Rogerson
From Martin Thomas
From Howard Goslyn (the next stage on from Martin's clip, the singer is Tom Rush.)
From Paul Hayward via Barry Treves
Thought you and Probus members might? be interested to know that Ludlow again has a shortlisted contender in the West Midlands region for this year’s RIBA (Royal Institute of British Architects) 2020 Awards in the shape of the ‘Grain Loft’. This building (also formerly known as Marston’s Mill) is in the town centre, and whatever one’s views on architecture it is gratifying to know the town has a project in contention!
Thought you and Probus members might? be interested to know that Ludlow again has a shortlisted contender in the West Midlands region for this year’s RIBA (Royal Institute of British Architects) 2020 Awards in the shape of the ‘Grain Loft’. This building (also formerly known as Marston’s Mill) is in the town centre, and whatever one’s views on architecture it is gratifying to know the town has a project in contention!
From Paul Rogerson
This political humour came from a Black comedian in Canada, who said “yep, I miss Bill Clinton” .
Continuing , “He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President ” .
“ He plays the saxophone ” . “ He smoked weed ” . “ He had his way with ugly white women ” . “Even now? Look at him, his wife works, and he doesn't ” ! “ And, he gets a cheque from the government every month” .
“ Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with ‘Clinton Soup ’ , which consists of a weenie in hot water ” .
“ Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line up to honour Bill Clinton ” . “ The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada ” .
“ When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one ” .
"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes ” .
“ And to top it all, Dell announced today a new computer called the Bill Clinton model featuring a 6 inch hard-drive and no memory.”
Continuing , “He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President ” .
“ He plays the saxophone ” . “ He smoked weed ” . “ He had his way with ugly white women ” . “Even now? Look at him, his wife works, and he doesn't ” ! “ And, he gets a cheque from the government every month” .
“ Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with ‘Clinton Soup ’ , which consists of a weenie in hot water ” .
“ Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line up to honour Bill Clinton ” . “ The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada ” .
“ When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, I don't know, I never had one ” .
"Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes ” .
“ And to top it all, Dell announced today a new computer called the Bill Clinton model featuring a 6 inch hard-drive and no memory.”
rom Barry Treves
WHY TEACHERS DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16-year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q... What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant!)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominalcavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work🤣)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you been eight (brilliant)
AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his nappy and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere!)
WHY TEACHERS DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's examination.
These are genuine answers (from 16-year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs
Q... What happens to your body as you age?
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A.. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant!)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominalcavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U
Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work🤣)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you been eight (brilliant)
AND THE BEST IS LAST:
Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once an Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his nappy and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere!)
From Colin Kelcey
From Barry Treves
A few weeks ago I sent photos of slow worms and a grass snake. A few days ago I found a lone grass snake on top of grass clippings in my compost heap and today I found the complete skin. Perhaps I gave it a fright and it jumped out of its skin!
Length about 850mm
A few weeks ago I sent photos of slow worms and a grass snake. A few days ago I found a lone grass snake on top of grass clippings in my compost heap and today I found the complete skin. Perhaps I gave it a fright and it jumped out of its skin!
Length about 850mm
From Martin Thomas
from Paul Rogerson
Conductors start young
From Clayton Lee
These glorious insults are from an era " before" the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words .
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy ." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. " George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. " Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy ." Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one. " George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." Winston Churchill, in response
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." Paul Keating
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination. " Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
From Colin Kelcey
The artist Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. This poodle was seized with an affection (sic) of the throat, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Sir Morell Mackenzie. When Mackenzie saw that he had been summoned to treat a dog, it was plain he didn't like it much. But he said nothing. He prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away.
The next day he sent post-haste for Whistler. And Whistler, thinking he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped his work and rushed like the wind to Mackenzie's. On his arrival Sir Morell said, gravely: “How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front door painted.”
Sir Morell Mackenzie, English laryngologist (born 7 Jul 1837).
The artist Whistler had a French poodle of which he was extravagantly fond. This poodle was seized with an affection (sic) of the throat, and Whistler had the audacity to send for the great throat specialist, Sir Morell Mackenzie. When Mackenzie saw that he had been summoned to treat a dog, it was plain he didn't like it much. But he said nothing. He prescribed, pocketed a big fee, and drove away.
The next day he sent post-haste for Whistler. And Whistler, thinking he was summoned on some matter connected with his beloved dog, dropped his work and rushed like the wind to Mackenzie's. On his arrival Sir Morell said, gravely: “How do you do, Mr. Whistler? I wanted to see you about having my front door painted.”
Sir Morell Mackenzie, English laryngologist (born 7 Jul 1837).
From Martin Thomas
WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930’s,40's, 50's, and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because.......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, or colour TV no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ....
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
WE WAS BRUNG UP PROPER !!
"And we never had a whole Mars bar until 1993"!!!
CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930’s,40's, 50's, and 60's
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank Sherry while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos...
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, bread and dripping, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking..
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on a Sunday, somehow we didn't starve to death!
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy Toffees, Gobstoppers and Bubble Gum.
We ate white bread and real butter, milk from the cow, and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because.......
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O..K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY , no video/dvd films, or colour TV no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms...........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.
Only girls had pierced ears!
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.
You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time....
We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet because we didn't need to keep up with the Jones's!
Not everyone made the rugby/football/cricket/netball team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
Getting into the team was based on MERIT
Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and throw the blackboard rubber at us if they thought we weren't concentrating ....
We can string sentences together and spell and have proper conversations because of a good, solid three R's education.
Our parents would tell us to ask a stranger to help us cross the road.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !
And YOU are one of them!
CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.
PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore
From Clayton Lee via Barry Treves
In the following analysis the French Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of the Institute of Memory and Alzheimer's Disease (IMMA) at La Pitié-Salpêtrière - Paris Hospitals, addresses the subject in a rather reassuring way:"If anyone is aware of his memory problems, he does not have Alzheimer's" 1. I forget the names of families . 2. I do not remember where I put some things . It often happens in people 60 years and older that they complain that they lack memory. "The information is always in the brain, it is the "processor" that is lacking." This is "Anosognosia" or temporary forgetfulness. Half of people 60 and older have some symptoms that are due to age rather than disease. The most common cases are: - forgetting the name of a person, - going to a room in the house and not remembering why we were going there, - a blank memory for a movie title or actor, an actress, - a waste of time searching where we left our glasses or keys . After 60 years most people have such a difficulty, which indicates that it is not a disease but rather a characteristic due to the passage of years . Many people are concerned about these oversights hence the importance of the following statement: "Those who are conscious of being forgetful have no serious problem of memory." "Those who suffer from a memory illness or Alzheimer's, are not aware of what is happening." Professor Bruno
Dubois, reassures the majority of people concerned about their oversights: "The more we complain about memory loss, the less likely we are to suffer from memory sickness."
Now, for a little neurological test..... Only use your eyes.
1- Find the C in the table below! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- 2- If you have already found the C, then find the 6 in the table below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3- Now find the N in the table below. Attention, it's a little more difficult! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
If you pass these three tests without a problem: - you can cancel your annual visit to the neurologist. - your brain is in decent working shape! - you are far from having any relationship with Alzheimer's.
Share this with your over-60-friends, it can be reassuring.
In the following analysis the French Professor Bruno Dubois, Director of the Institute of Memory and Alzheimer's Disease (IMMA) at La Pitié-Salpêtrière - Paris Hospitals, addresses the subject in a rather reassuring way:"If anyone is aware of his memory problems, he does not have Alzheimer's" 1. I forget the names of families . 2. I do not remember where I put some things . It often happens in people 60 years and older that they complain that they lack memory. "The information is always in the brain, it is the "processor" that is lacking." This is "Anosognosia" or temporary forgetfulness. Half of people 60 and older have some symptoms that are due to age rather than disease. The most common cases are: - forgetting the name of a person, - going to a room in the house and not remembering why we were going there, - a blank memory for a movie title or actor, an actress, - a waste of time searching where we left our glasses or keys . After 60 years most people have such a difficulty, which indicates that it is not a disease but rather a characteristic due to the passage of years . Many people are concerned about these oversights hence the importance of the following statement: "Those who are conscious of being forgetful have no serious problem of memory." "Those who suffer from a memory illness or Alzheimer's, are not aware of what is happening." Professor Bruno
Dubois, reassures the majority of people concerned about their oversights: "The more we complain about memory loss, the less likely we are to suffer from memory sickness."
Now, for a little neurological test..... Only use your eyes.
1- Find the C in the table below! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
2- 2- If you have already found the C, then find the 6 in the table below. 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 69999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 99999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
3- Now find the N in the table below. Attention, it's a little more difficult! MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
If you pass these three tests without a problem: - you can cancel your annual visit to the neurologist. - your brain is in decent working shape! - you are far from having any relationship with Alzheimer's.
Share this with your over-60-friends, it can be reassuring.
From Martin Thomas
From Barry Treves
From Calyton Lee
From Howard Goslyn MiG-29 with Vectored Thrust (remember to breathe)
From Paul Rogerson
From Martin Thomas (Airborne wheel change)
From Clayton Lee
From Martin Thomas
Remarkable trees
From Clayton Lee
Don’t stop watching when it goes black for about 20-25 seconds. How frightening is this? Amazing footage. Do watch to the end – the screen blacks out for a few seconds and then shows the devastation. Locals would not have known too much about that one. "Sinabung volcano, Indonesia on Sunday at 04:28, 9th June 2019. ”Watch till the end. The camera survived the blast, continued to record the post eruption destruction of the structures too."
From Paul Rogerson
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eveningin the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for the church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
A bean supper will be held on Tuesday eveningin the church hall. Music will follow.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
And this one just about sums them all up
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'
From Howard Goslyn (Bugger?)
From Paul Rogerson (If your Spanish is a bit rusty the caption reads "A true friend does not leave or abandon you under any circumstances") Ed
The Catholic Hair Dryer
In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently, without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Perhaps you could hide it under your robes for me?’
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’
In Catholic schools, students are taught that lying is a sin. Instructors are also advised that using a bit of imagination is OK to express the truth differently, without lying.
This is a perfect example of this teaching:
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest sitting beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'
Of course child. What can I do for you?'
I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Perhaps you could hide it under your robes for me?’
'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not tell a lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question you.'
When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.
The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on women, but which, to date, remains unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!’
From Clayton Lee "Crosswind landings" (These landings all have too steep an angle of approach, the speed is too high for touchdown hence the bouncing which becomes uncontrollable. Why the second aircraft used reverse thrust is unamaginable) Ed.
From Howard Goslyn "Crosswind difficulties" (Note the correct angles of approach. Fairly flat nose up reduces landing speed. Hold off as long as possible using the rudder and some aileron to steer then touch the main landing gear without bounce. hold nose wheel off for as long as possible Then use nose-wheel steering. If your not happy, select full power retract undercarriage and flaps and go round again.)
From Martin Thomas
An airline and crews with a huge sense of humour....
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments.
Notice the labelling on the planes.
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY-- WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOR:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing their seats, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.
From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am,” said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
Kulula is a low-cost South-African airline that doesn't take itself too seriously. Check out their new livery! And get a kick out of the comments.
Notice the labelling on the planes.
WHAT A PITY KULULA DOESN'T FLY INTERNATIONALLY-- WE SHOULD SUPPORT THEM IF ONLY FOR THEIR HUMOR:
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want), passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing their seats, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people, we’re not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.
From a Kulula employee: "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you,
secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."
"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking.. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally, everyone had got off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?"
"Why, no Ma'am,” said the pilot. "What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
From Paul Rogerson