From Howard Goslyn (Sultans of Swing on a ukulele! Amazing)
From Martin Thomas (From John's Hopkins Hospital - great explanation of Covid-19 (excellent read!) ☆☆
From John's Hopkins Hospital regarding the Covid-19 virus…
* This virus is not a living organism. It is a protein molecule (RNA or DNA) covered by a protective layer of lipid (fat), which, when absorbed by the cells of the ocular (eyes), nasal (nose) or buccal mucosa (mouth), changes their genetic code (mutates) and converts into aggressor and multiplier cells.
* Since the virus is not a living organism, but is a protein molecule, it cannot be killed. It has to decay on its own. The disintegration time depends on the temperature, humidity and type of material where it lies.
* The virus is very fragile; the only thing that protects it is a thin outer layer of fat, and that is the reason why soap or detergent is the best weapon. The foam CUTS THE FAT (that is why you have to scrub for 20 seconds or more, to create lots of foam). By dissolving the fat layer, the protein molecule disperses and breaks down.
* HEAT melts fat; this is why it is necessary to use water above 77 degrees for washing laundry and cleaning surfaces. In addition, hot water makes more foam, making it more effective.
* Alcohol or any mixture with alcohol over 65% DISSOLVES ALL FAT, especially the external lipid layer of the virus.
* Any solution with 1 part bleach and 5 parts water directly dissolves the protein, breaking it down from the inside.
* Oxygenated water increases the effectiveness of soap, alcohol and chlorine, because peroxide dissolves the virus protein. However, because you have to use it in its pure form, it can damage your skin.
* NO BACTERICIDE OR ANTIBIOTIC WILL WORK because the virus is not a living organism like bacteria; antibodies cannot kill what is not alive.
* The virus molecules remain very stable at colder temperatures, including air conditioning in houses and cars. They also need moisture and darkness to stay stable. Therefore, dehumidified, dry, warm and bright environments will degrade the virus faster.
* UV LIGHT on any object that may contain the virus breaks down the protein. Be careful, it also breaks down collagen (which is protein) in the skin.
* The virus CANNOT go through healthy skin.
* Vinegar is NOT useful because it does not break down the protective layer of fat.
* NO SPIRITS, NO VODKA, The strongest vodka is only 40% alcohol, and you need a minimum of 65%.
* LISTERINE is 65% alcohol.
* The more confined the space, the higher the concentration of the virus there can be. The more open or naturally ventilated, the less.
* You have to wash your hands before and after touching any commonly used surfaces such as: mucosa (mouth area), food, locks, knobs, switches, remotes, cell phones, watches, computers, desks etc… and don’t forget when you use the bathroom.
* You have to MOISTURIZE YOUR HANDS due to frequent washing. Dry hands have cracks and the molecules can hide in the micro cracks The thicker the moisturizer, the better.
* Also keep your NAILS SHORT so that the virus does not hide there.
From John's Hopkins Hospital regarding the Covid-19 virus…
* This virus is not a living organism. It is a protein molecule (RNA or DNA) covered by a protective layer of lipid (fat), which, when absorbed by the cells of the ocular (eyes), nasal (nose) or buccal mucosa (mouth), changes their genetic code (mutates) and converts into aggressor and multiplier cells.
* Since the virus is not a living organism, but is a protein molecule, it cannot be killed. It has to decay on its own. The disintegration time depends on the temperature, humidity and type of material where it lies.
* The virus is very fragile; the only thing that protects it is a thin outer layer of fat, and that is the reason why soap or detergent is the best weapon. The foam CUTS THE FAT (that is why you have to scrub for 20 seconds or more, to create lots of foam). By dissolving the fat layer, the protein molecule disperses and breaks down.
* HEAT melts fat; this is why it is necessary to use water above 77 degrees for washing laundry and cleaning surfaces. In addition, hot water makes more foam, making it more effective.
* Alcohol or any mixture with alcohol over 65% DISSOLVES ALL FAT, especially the external lipid layer of the virus.
* Any solution with 1 part bleach and 5 parts water directly dissolves the protein, breaking it down from the inside.
* Oxygenated water increases the effectiveness of soap, alcohol and chlorine, because peroxide dissolves the virus protein. However, because you have to use it in its pure form, it can damage your skin.
* NO BACTERICIDE OR ANTIBIOTIC WILL WORK because the virus is not a living organism like bacteria; antibodies cannot kill what is not alive.
* The virus molecules remain very stable at colder temperatures, including air conditioning in houses and cars. They also need moisture and darkness to stay stable. Therefore, dehumidified, dry, warm and bright environments will degrade the virus faster.
* UV LIGHT on any object that may contain the virus breaks down the protein. Be careful, it also breaks down collagen (which is protein) in the skin.
* The virus CANNOT go through healthy skin.
* Vinegar is NOT useful because it does not break down the protective layer of fat.
* NO SPIRITS, NO VODKA, The strongest vodka is only 40% alcohol, and you need a minimum of 65%.
* LISTERINE is 65% alcohol.
* The more confined the space, the higher the concentration of the virus there can be. The more open or naturally ventilated, the less.
* You have to wash your hands before and after touching any commonly used surfaces such as: mucosa (mouth area), food, locks, knobs, switches, remotes, cell phones, watches, computers, desks etc… and don’t forget when you use the bathroom.
* You have to MOISTURIZE YOUR HANDS due to frequent washing. Dry hands have cracks and the molecules can hide in the micro cracks The thicker the moisturizer, the better.
* Also keep your NAILS SHORT so that the virus does not hide there.
Clever Bird
From Tony Martyr (A model engine made by Tony during lockdown. Anyone else made anything similar?)Ed.
From Martin Thomas (Martin says "They only had one job")
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee
Medical Advice
It is hard to understand, why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise, or why would anyone even think of trying one of those medicines, after listening to the list of warnings of possible side effects...
But Here’s an exception:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to make you feel better and more confident. It can also help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything!
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had.
However, it’s fair to say that Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone...
For example,
Women who are pregnant, or nursing should not use it. On the other hand, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects: May Include Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, loss of inhibition, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and/or Nude Twister.
Warnings: Be aware that excessive consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may:
Make you think you are whispering when in fact you are not.
Cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Cause you to think you can actually sing.
Create the illusion, that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Note: Merlot, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer, may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.
Please feel free to share this important information… and remember,
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
Medical Advice
It is hard to understand, why prescription medicine is allowed to advertise, or why would anyone even think of trying one of those medicines, after listening to the list of warnings of possible side effects...
But Here’s an exception:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you wish you were a better conversationalist?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
Do you sometimes feel stressed?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Cabernet Sauvignon.
Cabernet Sauvignon is the safe, natural way to make you feel better and more confident. It can also help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything!
You will notice the benefits of Cabernet Sauvignon almost immediately and, with a regimen of regular doses, you'll overcome obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past.
You will discover talents you never knew you had.
However, it’s fair to say that Cabernet Sauvignon may not be right for everyone...
For example,
Women who are pregnant, or nursing should not use it. On the other hand, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant, are encouraged to try it.
Side Effects: May Include Dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, delusions of grandeur, loss of inhibition, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all night Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and/or Nude Twister.
Warnings: Be aware that excessive consumption of Cabernet Sauvignon may:
Make you think you are whispering when in fact you are not.
Cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Cause you to think you can actually sing.
Create the illusion, that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
Note: Merlot, Chardonnay, Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Grigio, Scotch, Vodka or Bourbon and of course Beer, may be substituted for Cabernet Sauvignon, with similar results.
Please feel free to share this important information… and remember,
LIFE IS A CABERNET OLD CHUM!
From Frank Baker
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson (Don't be afraid)
This reminds me of the old song "The train runs through the middle of the house" Ed.
From Barry Treves
Please put on the Coronoblog the news that Tom Lehrer’s songs can now be downloaded freely. He has put them out of copyright.
Haven't tried it yet Barry but will have a go at "Poisoning pigeons i the park" Ed.
Please put on the Coronoblog the news that Tom Lehrer’s songs can now be downloaded freely. He has put them out of copyright.
Haven't tried it yet Barry but will have a go at "Poisoning pigeons i the park" Ed.
From Tony Martyr
Members with nothing better to do can Google ‘Engine Testing 5th edition Martyr’ and see confirmation that I have not been entirely idle for the last 18 months.
Now the project, which has dominated my life, is over I have to start all those jobs I had an excuse not to do, such as tiling the office floor.
I am not expecting significant sales of my new book from Probus members, at £99 rrp and 750 pages it is not a casual read even during a lockdown.
One of the ‘spin-offs’ of the book was going to be my Probus talk about the role of automotive emissions in air pollution and the role of legislation, hybrid and electric cars etc. Perhaps next year?
Members with nothing better to do can Google ‘Engine Testing 5th edition Martyr’ and see confirmation that I have not been entirely idle for the last 18 months.
Now the project, which has dominated my life, is over I have to start all those jobs I had an excuse not to do, such as tiling the office floor.
I am not expecting significant sales of my new book from Probus members, at £99 rrp and 750 pages it is not a casual read even during a lockdown.
One of the ‘spin-offs’ of the book was going to be my Probus talk about the role of automotive emissions in air pollution and the role of legislation, hybrid and electric cars etc. Perhaps next year?
From Jim Oakley
Governmentium
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known
to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes almost every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium, however, can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed
with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as
many pillocks but twice as many morons.
Governmentium
Oxford University researchers have discovered the heaviest element yet known
to science. The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25
assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called pillocks.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected, because it impedes almost every reaction with which it comes into
contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium, however, can cause a reaction that would normally take
less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years. It does not decay, but
instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each
reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that
Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This
hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass. When catalysed
with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element
that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as
many pillocks but twice as many morons.
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson
Fron Clayton Lee (The Will)
Double Entendres
1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator –
'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'
2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator –
'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'
3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator –
'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria .. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'
4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 –
'Ah, isn't that nice.. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew..'
5. US PGA Commentator –
'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them ........
Oh my god !! What have I just said??'
6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said:
'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'
7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked,
'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!
8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters:
'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'
9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '
10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports:
'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'
11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked:
'They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'
12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open:
'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
From Paul Hayward
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee (Don't know what to make of this Fishy one, propoganda? fake news? true?)Ed.
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.
“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says.
“We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”
Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced.
Don't do a single thing until I get there.
I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
'Sorted!
They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee
From Barry Treves (Toilet Humour)
From Paul Rogerson
Paul entitles the next three drone videos as No1 amazing, No2 frightening and No3 a great solution
Any similarity is purely coincidental
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson
From Clayton Lee
Without Prejudice
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were riding bicycles across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get the great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We've been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't think I've ever seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?
Understanding Engineers 6
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it isn't sufficiently complex yet.
Understanding Engineers 7
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket
Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, "6.5 metres," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and have been elected to Parliament.
From Bryan Heatley (The little drummer girl. Eat your heart out Gene Krupa, Buddy Rich and Ginger Baker) Ed.
From Clayton Lee
From Paul Rogerson
Scotch with two drops of water.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "
The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too. "
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.
" Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "
" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "
The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "
'OLD' IS WHEN......
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN......
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN........
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are not sure these are jokes.
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, " I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today. "
The bartender says, " Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me. "
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says,
"I would like to buy you a drink, too. "
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.
" Coming up, " says the bartender. As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says, " I would like to buy you one, too. "
The old woman says, " Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water. "
" Coming right up, " the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, " Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water? "
The old woman replies, " Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue. "
'OLD' IS WHEN......
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,'
and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'
'OLD' IS WHEN......
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
'OLD' IS WHEN........
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fibre today.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.
'OLD' IS WHEN.....
An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.
AND
'OLD' IS WHEN......
You are not sure these are jokes.
From Clayton Lee (The most famous artist for this type of saucy postcards was Donald McGill. He was nearly 80 years old when he was put on trial (1954) under the Obscene Publications Act, found guilty and fined. Today the postcards are worth a fortune.)
The burning question: How long should one live???????
The answer is: Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your family
The answer is: Live long enough to be a REAL concern to your family
From Paul Rogerson (POLITICIANS)
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!
We hang petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed
by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where
there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm
beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in 'Clarence Darrow for the Defense' by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go
out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds
from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, "the Mark Twain of American Socialism."
I offered my opponents a deal: "if they stop telling lies about me, I will
stop telling the truth about them".
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan. 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be
left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to
change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner who won gold medals at the 1924
Olympic Games in Paris, 1902-1981)
I don't like political jokes, but a lot of them get elected!
From Clayton Lee
SIGNS
A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver:
We will heel you - We will save your sole - We will even dye for you
A sign on a blinds and curtain truck:
Blind man driving
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix
In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels
On a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's meals on wheels
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout
On an electrician's truck :
Let us remove your shorts
In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a exhaust shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home :
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
In a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
and last, but certainly not least:
Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:
Caution - This truck is full of political promises.
A sign in a shoe repair store in Vancouver:
We will heel you - We will save your sole - We will even dye for you
A sign on a blinds and curtain truck:
Blind man driving
Sign over a gynecologist's office:
Dr. Jones, at your cervix
In a podiatrist's office:
Time wounds all heels
On a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's meals on wheels
At an optometrist's office:
If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place
On a plumber's truck:
We repair what your husband fixed
On another Plumber's truck:
Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber
At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
Invite us to your next blowout
On an electrician's truck :
Let us remove your shorts
In a non-smoking area:
If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door:
Push. Push. Push.
At a car dealership:
The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.
Outside a exhaust shop:
No appointment necessary. We hear you coming
In a veterinarian's waiting room:
Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company:
We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
In a restaurant window:
Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home :
Drive carefully. We'll wait.
In a Chicago radiator shop:
Best place in town to take a leak.
and last, but certainly not least:
Sign on the back of another septic tank truck:
Caution - This truck is full of political promises.
From Paul Rogerson
From Martin Thomas
From Clayton Lee
Oh, the power in words. In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'
WRITTEN BY Rod Liddle
Rod Liddle is associate editor of The Spectator.
‘My’ truth about Meghan and Harry
From magazine issue: 13 March 2021
Caroline Rose Giuliani, the daughter of the former mayor of New York, Rudy, has been talking to the press about one of her hobbies. Apparently she likes nothing more than playing the role of a ‘unicorn’ — the third partner in a sexual liaison. She explained: ‘Finding the strength to explore these more complicated, passionate aspects of my personality became the key to harnessing my voice and creative spark, which in turn helped me better cope with depression, anxiety, and the lingering cognitive effects of adolescent anorexia.’ This is a fascinating approach to curing eating disorders, I think.
Caroline’s dad, if you remember, is unable to tuck his shirt into his trousers without lying down on a bed and obtaining assistance from a young lady. They are a very interesting family.
Incidentally, I had often wondered why the Scottish national animal is a unicorn, seeing as it has even less basis in reality than their aspirations for an independent currency. But having learned via Caroline the other meaning of the word, and watched the various SNP scandals unfold, I now understand. They are all at it like knives, up there — every hour that God sends.
Reading Caroline’s explanation for why she likes to go out shagging strangers, you are immediately beckoned into the modern American psyche. Such epic, almost heroic, self-obsession and narcissism, plus pretentiousness and a healthy side order of acquired victimhood. And the overriding message: "I will do what I want and you will not judge me." Au contraire, Caroline — over here, in the UK, we will, because we’re like that and come at the story from a different perspective.
The USA is the least communalistic and most individualistic nation of any on Earth. It is written into their Declaration of Independence that an individual’s right to the pursuit of happiness trumps, if I can use the word, every other consideration. It is all a little alien to us over here, which is one reason why we tend to find Meghan Markle a repulsive creature. What the ghastly Oprah Winfrey and indeed Hillary Clinton do not understand is that if there was any resentment towards Meghan in the UK, it was not because she is of mixed race, but because she is American and behaves like a caricature of a particularly stupid American. The colour of her skin matters not a jot: it is the noisome ordure which spews out of her mouth on a daily basis that grates. Again, the narcissism and self-obsession and the acquired victimhood, the vapid and banal attempts at self-justification.
Any resentment towards Meghan in the UK was not because of her race, but because she is American
The American insistence on the primacy of the individual also explains Meghan’s different interpretation of two words which we, over here, think we understand clearly: ‘duty’ and ‘truth’. When her idiot husband was told he would not be getting back his honorary military ranks, the two of them (i.e. Meghan) released an emetic statement to the press suggesting that there were many ways one might perform one’s duties. No. Duty is something imposed and involves self-sacrifice, discipline and obedience. It does not mean doing what the hell you like, which is what the two of them have done. But if you are a country which doubts the validity of a communal ethos of ‘duty’, then Meghan’s standpoint is one you may well arrive at, especially if you are not terribly bright.
Similarly, Markle was asked about ‘her’ truth. People don’t have their own truth. There is truth and there is falsehood, and there’s an end to it. But once more, the native ideology devolves the concept of truth down to the individual level, regardless of whether it is truth at all. It is from America that we have imported the morally and rationally bereft progressive ideology that insists that if people feel they have been victimised, then they have been. And that everybody can be whatever they want to be, regardless of the facts. Elevate the individual — beyond reason, beyond government, beyond God — and this is what you get: a D-list sleb who married well thinking she has been victimised and is in possession of a ‘truth’ which runs counter to the truth.
The cultural divide broadens still further when we consider Oprah Winfrey, one of America’s greatest mysteries. But boy, does she have hauteur and dominion. It is very difficult for us to understand why the Yanks so revere the woman. She is an appalling interviewer, seemingly utterly incurious, every question submitted for approval and the answers rehearsed over and over again. Ill-informed, incapable of asking an interesting question, always slightly more regal than whoever it is she is interviewing. There is no intellect on display, just a perpetual desire to paddle about in the shallows, or indeed barely skim the surface, of the subjects before her. But then she subscribes to the same inane ideology — that Meghan Markle has a truth that is equally valid to the truth, and who is she to question that validity? Anti-journalism. It was rumoured she might one day run for office. I think she’d be perfect for the east and west coast voters, a conduit of witless acceptance of every meaningless liberal shibboleth to which those deluded people subscribe.
So — who asked about Archie’s skin colour, then? Not naming the supposed miscreant was another act of self-indulgence and cowardice from Meghan and Harry. Besmirch the entire royal family by not providing a name. My suspicion is that most of the royals were just anxious to know if Archie was going to be a ginger. That’s ‘my’ truth, and I’m sticking to it. Please, America — do one thing for your old ally. Shepherd these two grasping halfwits into total obscurity.
Rod Liddle is associate editor of The Spectator.
‘My’ truth about Meghan and Harry
From magazine issue: 13 March 2021
Caroline Rose Giuliani, the daughter of the former mayor of New York, Rudy, has been talking to the press about one of her hobbies. Apparently she likes nothing more than playing the role of a ‘unicorn’ — the third partner in a sexual liaison. She explained: ‘Finding the strength to explore these more complicated, passionate aspects of my personality became the key to harnessing my voice and creative spark, which in turn helped me better cope with depression, anxiety, and the lingering cognitive effects of adolescent anorexia.’ This is a fascinating approach to curing eating disorders, I think.
Caroline’s dad, if you remember, is unable to tuck his shirt into his trousers without lying down on a bed and obtaining assistance from a young lady. They are a very interesting family.
Incidentally, I had often wondered why the Scottish national animal is a unicorn, seeing as it has even less basis in reality than their aspirations for an independent currency. But having learned via Caroline the other meaning of the word, and watched the various SNP scandals unfold, I now understand. They are all at it like knives, up there — every hour that God sends.
Reading Caroline’s explanation for why she likes to go out shagging strangers, you are immediately beckoned into the modern American psyche. Such epic, almost heroic, self-obsession and narcissism, plus pretentiousness and a healthy side order of acquired victimhood. And the overriding message: "I will do what I want and you will not judge me." Au contraire, Caroline — over here, in the UK, we will, because we’re like that and come at the story from a different perspective.
The USA is the least communalistic and most individualistic nation of any on Earth. It is written into their Declaration of Independence that an individual’s right to the pursuit of happiness trumps, if I can use the word, every other consideration. It is all a little alien to us over here, which is one reason why we tend to find Meghan Markle a repulsive creature. What the ghastly Oprah Winfrey and indeed Hillary Clinton do not understand is that if there was any resentment towards Meghan in the UK, it was not because she is of mixed race, but because she is American and behaves like a caricature of a particularly stupid American. The colour of her skin matters not a jot: it is the noisome ordure which spews out of her mouth on a daily basis that grates. Again, the narcissism and self-obsession and the acquired victimhood, the vapid and banal attempts at self-justification.
Any resentment towards Meghan in the UK was not because of her race, but because she is American
The American insistence on the primacy of the individual also explains Meghan’s different interpretation of two words which we, over here, think we understand clearly: ‘duty’ and ‘truth’. When her idiot husband was told he would not be getting back his honorary military ranks, the two of them (i.e. Meghan) released an emetic statement to the press suggesting that there were many ways one might perform one’s duties. No. Duty is something imposed and involves self-sacrifice, discipline and obedience. It does not mean doing what the hell you like, which is what the two of them have done. But if you are a country which doubts the validity of a communal ethos of ‘duty’, then Meghan’s standpoint is one you may well arrive at, especially if you are not terribly bright.
Similarly, Markle was asked about ‘her’ truth. People don’t have their own truth. There is truth and there is falsehood, and there’s an end to it. But once more, the native ideology devolves the concept of truth down to the individual level, regardless of whether it is truth at all. It is from America that we have imported the morally and rationally bereft progressive ideology that insists that if people feel they have been victimised, then they have been. And that everybody can be whatever they want to be, regardless of the facts. Elevate the individual — beyond reason, beyond government, beyond God — and this is what you get: a D-list sleb who married well thinking she has been victimised and is in possession of a ‘truth’ which runs counter to the truth.
The cultural divide broadens still further when we consider Oprah Winfrey, one of America’s greatest mysteries. But boy, does she have hauteur and dominion. It is very difficult for us to understand why the Yanks so revere the woman. She is an appalling interviewer, seemingly utterly incurious, every question submitted for approval and the answers rehearsed over and over again. Ill-informed, incapable of asking an interesting question, always slightly more regal than whoever it is she is interviewing. There is no intellect on display, just a perpetual desire to paddle about in the shallows, or indeed barely skim the surface, of the subjects before her. But then she subscribes to the same inane ideology — that Meghan Markle has a truth that is equally valid to the truth, and who is she to question that validity? Anti-journalism. It was rumoured she might one day run for office. I think she’d be perfect for the east and west coast voters, a conduit of witless acceptance of every meaningless liberal shibboleth to which those deluded people subscribe.
So — who asked about Archie’s skin colour, then? Not naming the supposed miscreant was another act of self-indulgence and cowardice from Meghan and Harry. Besmirch the entire royal family by not providing a name. My suspicion is that most of the royals were just anxious to know if Archie was going to be a ginger. That’s ‘my’ truth, and I’m sticking to it. Please, America — do one thing for your old ally. Shepherd these two grasping halfwits into total obscurity.
From Colin Kelcey
There are 68,000 medical billing code doctors use to denote injuries and maladies for insurance purposes. These actual codes are among the
more specific ones:
AND ADVANCED DATA SYSTEMS
CORPORATION
more specific ones:
- W59.22XA: Struck
by turtle. - Y93.D1: Stabbed
while crocheting. - Z63.1: Problems
in relationship with
in-laws. - V91.07XD: Burn due
to water skis on fire - V97.33XD: Sucked
into jet engine.
AND ADVANCED DATA SYSTEMS
CORPORATION
From Frank Baker
From Clayton Lee
From Martin Thomas (Moonrise)
From Paul Rogerson
From Andrew Stedman
A misunderstanding.
A lady of title, suffering from nerves, was recommended to spend some time in a small German village in the mountains.
She went there to inquire about accommodation, and knowing very little German, went to the local schoolmaster who had some knowledge of English.
On returning to her house, she remembered she had forgotten to ask the whereabouts of the W.C. so she wrote for full particulars.
The schoolmaster had never heard of a W.C. and could not understand its necessity, so he consulted the local Pastor, who also knew some English.
The Pastor thought the lady must be a fervent churchgoer and was inquiring about a Wald Chapel (a Chapel in the woods), so he wrote this
letter:
Your Ladyship,
The W.C. is situated about seven miles from your lodgings, in the centre of a forest in lovely surroundings and is open on Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. This is unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will no doubt be glad to hear that a number of people take their lunch and make a day of it. Others, who cannot spare the time, go by car and arrive just on time as they are in too great a hurry to wait.
As there are many visitors in summer, I advise you to go early.
The accommodation is good and there are eighty seats, but should you be late, there is plenty of standing room. The bell rings twenty minutes
before the W.C. is opened.
I should especially advise your Ladyship to pay a visit on Thursdays as there is an organ accompaniment and the acoustics are excellent. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for your Ladyship, and have the honour to be.....
Yours etc. ......
A misunderstanding.
A lady of title, suffering from nerves, was recommended to spend some time in a small German village in the mountains.
She went there to inquire about accommodation, and knowing very little German, went to the local schoolmaster who had some knowledge of English.
On returning to her house, she remembered she had forgotten to ask the whereabouts of the W.C. so she wrote for full particulars.
The schoolmaster had never heard of a W.C. and could not understand its necessity, so he consulted the local Pastor, who also knew some English.
The Pastor thought the lady must be a fervent churchgoer and was inquiring about a Wald Chapel (a Chapel in the woods), so he wrote this
letter:
Your Ladyship,
The W.C. is situated about seven miles from your lodgings, in the centre of a forest in lovely surroundings and is open on Sundays, Thursdays and Fridays. This is unfortunate if you are in the habit of going regularly, but you will no doubt be glad to hear that a number of people take their lunch and make a day of it. Others, who cannot spare the time, go by car and arrive just on time as they are in too great a hurry to wait.
As there are many visitors in summer, I advise you to go early.
The accommodation is good and there are eighty seats, but should you be late, there is plenty of standing room. The bell rings twenty minutes
before the W.C. is opened.
I should especially advise your Ladyship to pay a visit on Thursdays as there is an organ accompaniment and the acoustics are excellent. I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for your Ladyship, and have the honour to be.....
Yours etc. ......
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas (Iceland Volcano watch on full screen "tap the little arrows at the bottom right of the screen")
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas (The worlds tallest lift - Sound on)
From Paul Rogerson
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas
Martin says "Unbelievable old ads"
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas ( Hi Tech solution)
From Colin Kelcey
From Martin Thomas
Question:
What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer :
Princess Diana's death.
Question:
How come?
Answer :
An
English Princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel,
riding in a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian
who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you
Challenge the spelling),
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by a Canadian, using American Bill Gates' technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that uses Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by
Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian truck drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen, and
trucked to you by Mexicans Who are in the US Illegally.
That, my friends, is
Globalization!
From Colin Kelcey (Click to enlarge)
From Martin Thomas
Fubject: Fabulous old age
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?
Fubject: Fabulous old age
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.I don't have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don't have a curfew.
I have a driver's license and my own car.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant and I don't have acne. Life is great.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought "nap time" was a punishment. Now it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is... " I don't have to write that down, I'll remember it".
I don't have gray hair... I have "wisdom highlights"! I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would've put them on my knees.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came In there for.
I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can't remember their names.
Now, I'm wondering... did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?